Driste

Thirsty.

It's all mental. I'm in bed, ready for an early morning alarm: 4:40 for practice, 7:45 at the doctor's. I'm parched. Or am I? Is it really all mental? "No food or water after 10 p.m." Dr.'s orders.

I've been beating myself up a bit lately about a little gut that's going on. Not that it's huge or anything.... but I was 135 when they weighed me in at the Doc's. Now, I don't pay much attention to pounds. I've always been heavy for my size.... heavy bones maybe, and more muscle mass then most girls, I guess. But I do pay attention to waist bands. And mine have been a wee bit tight. I can't afford new clothes, so only one thing left to do: lose that gut. While yoga does the job, I don't really want to "amp it up" just for the sake of losing weight. So I'm adding in some cardio here and there. Today was supposed to be Spin Class. When I got home, it was such a beautiful afternoon. And my poor dog had just spent another day alone in the backyard. So off we went for a hike instead of a cramped room, annoying techno, and a tiny, chafing bicycle seat. I changed my mind when I got to the mountain. Hike? No..... not a hike. How bout a run?

RUN???? Sacrilege. I haven't ran in almost a year. I used to run quite a bit, I really enjoyed it, and probably strided about 15-20 miles a week. But I gave it up for yoga.

The run was good, I stretched for about 35 minutes afterwards. I love running or hiking with my pup. It's great to see her with her natural birding instincts taking over: pointing, stalking, flushing out quail from bushes.... But she really pissed off a mama turkey who chased her off, gobbling and squawking. That was a sight to see. Kula was in heaven until she got home. The poor girl picked up every bur on the mountain. First she had to suffer the dreaded brush. And if that wasn't bad enough, then she had a bath. She's still giving me dirty looks. And my knees are a little angry at me as well. I cheated a bit on the run, only ran uphill and walked the downhills. Less strain on my knees. Any ashtangis out there who run? I'd love to hear your thoughts on it....

Now to bed. I'm feeling a little frightened tonight after watching a Tivo'd scary episode of LOST. I'm so hooked on that show. Plus, I've always had an eensy bit of a crush on Matthew Fox. He's a cutie. Hopefully I can fall asleep and no bad dreams.

Just dreams about Matthew....

er..... I mean.... dreams about Taylor.

Oh look, he's rolling his eyes at me all the way from Oklahoma! God I miss that guy.

DARN YOU, KJS!!!!!

My workplace productivity has plummeted due to some "friendly" competition with this game. I'm currently at a stand-still on level 25. If anyone has any tips for this level.... I could use them. KJS isn't talking. I have to get to level 40, and then we start over, keep score, and may the best gridlocker win. I have to admit, I'm a little intimidated by her. So she has the edge.

Made herbed carrot soup last night from the Moosewood Cookbook. Just in time, too, since I had pounds of carrots from my CSA. Did I mention I got beets last week? Hell yeah.

I stopped by my natural foods grocery store to pick up some supplements: Daily Foods Blood Builder (Iron among other things), Balanced B Complex, and Living Harvest Hemp Protein. $80!!!!!! But they're all food derived and raw, so will not upset my stomach as much. The priciest was the protein powder, but it's easier on my system than the less expensive whey, rice, and soy versions. Hemp Seeds..... Wow, I feel like such a hippy. I had to promise my coworkers that Yes, I still shave my body hair, and Yes, I still wear deodorant, and No, I don't wear patchouli and never will. Brings back bad memories of downtown Santa Cruz.

Tay's driving through Kansas right now, hopefully he'll be back next Thursday. Here we go, on to week two with an empty house and lots of fruits and vegetables. I'm thinking of hosting a feast on Saturday. Indian and Thai food.

On the asana front.... I need Tay to come home so my back can feel better. Urdva Dhanurasana is killing me lately, and drop backs and stand ups are just distant memories at this point. I wasn't feeling very strong this morning. And not very flexible either. So I just cruised through practice with thoughts of better mornings nagging in the back of my monkey mind. I gouged my right ankle with my left toenail in Bhujapindasana. Ouch, it smarts. Knees are still sore, still modifying all lotus poses. But in spite of physical limitations and shortcomings, each day this week I've just been pleased to be on my mat, pleased with my personal dedication to the practice, and have just been feeling groovy all around. Special thanks to Vanessa, her post on personal ownership of one's happiness really hit home, and I've been walking with a lighter step and a happier heart since reading it.

Favorite Asana of the day: Marichyasana C. Felt oh so good to release my spine a bit.
Dreaded Asana of the day: Urdva Dhanurasana. Ouch.

I've got two appointments scheduled at the Diagnostic Center. Tomorrow is the sonogram of my upper GI and small intestines. Next Thursday will be the barium swallow. Nurse says, "The appointment will be anywhere from 45 minutes to 4 hours," which I thought was a bit comedic. Reminiscent of the repair man who will be at your house sometime between 8 a.m. and 1 p.m.. Told work I would be in sometime between 9 a.m. and 2 p.m..

And the crew from the Goleta trip:

Clockwise from top left, that's The Pelt, The Feisty One, me, The Hungry One, and a terrible picture of my friend who will be known as The Smilemaker (she makes teeth for crowns, caps, and bridgework).

On the iPod: The Shivers, "Boat"
Carissa's Wierd, "The Piano Song"
Blue States, "Across the Wire"

Results

I had my appointment this afternoon to find out the results to my lab tests. No results. Almost everything came back normal. Which I suppose is good, when one is being tested for colon cancer, intestinal cancer, anemia, gall stones, celiac disease, and gastrointestinal disease. This was my line of thinking when I said, "well, that's good, right?" Not exactly, says the doc, because we still don't know what's wrong with you. So, the tests will continue with a sonogram and a barium cocktail followed by an x-ray. Radioactive chemicals? Bring it on.

Get this: there were elevated levels of some higgledypoo (don't remember the fancy name)in my blood. What could this indicate? It could indicate some problems in the liver. However, all of my other tests indicated a normally functioning liver. It could also indicate skeletal or muscular bruising or tears. Read: YOGA.

If the next round of tests come up blank as well, then I will be diagnosed with IBS: Irritable Bowell Syndrome. No test for this doozey. This is what they use to label you when they've run out of blood work-ups and other bodily samples to extract and test so that you don't feel like everything you've just gone through is in vain. No, just kidding. It just feels like that. But it's really very common. For now, I've been prescribed Nexxium (the purple pill!) and two heaping spoonfuls of Metamucil twice daily. Blechh.

There's a new bully on the block pushing Kula around. I suppose it serves her right. She chases birds all day long, hunts them, stalks them, tries (fruitlessly) to eat them..... One bird has had enough. This bird is fighting back, tooth and nail. Or beak and claw. My poor little girl is afraid to venture out of our safe haven into the big scary world: the backyard. Each time she does, this bird is lurking, waiting, to swoop down and chase her all around the yard until she is jumping, scratching and whining, tail between the legs, at the back door. And this is my guard dog. Good thing we're moving out of this terrible Riff-Raff-tough-bird neighborhood soon. Hopefully up in Paso Robles, birds understand that dogs chase them, it's not the other way around.

Secret Rebellion.....

...... against the non-yoga establishment.

Shhh..... I wore one of my prana yoga tanks to work today.

Just one more reason to do handstands and other assorted arm balances in my office. No one can stop me now. Except maybe my boss, of course.

Ups and Downs

Yesterday I told everyone that it was a special day.... that it was Guruji's 90th birthday!!!!!

It meant nothing to any of them. Here's a sample of one conversation with my coworker...

THEM: "Who's Guruji?"

ME: "He's that guy that I have a picture of on my desk."

THEM: "I thought that was your husband...."

ME: "No, the other picture.... the one I went to see in San Francisco.... My guru."

THEM: "Don't you think it's weird that you have a guru?"

ME: "You have Robert Parker, I have Pattabhi Jois."

THEM: "Who's Pattabhi Jois?"

Tears for Zimbabwe's Homeless

From BBC News, 7/22/05

UN condemns Zimbabwe slum blitz

A major UN report has called for an immediate end to Zimbabwe's slum clearance programme, declaring it to be in violation of international law.

"The scale of suffering is immense," it said. About 700,000 people have lost their homes or livelihoods and another 2.4 million people have been affected.

This is devastating. How could a government force 700,000 people, women, children, families, already poverty stricken, into homelessness with no aid and no shelter?

The OTHER Blog

Okay yogablog, now you know you're first in my heart. But sometimes a girl just needs to let loose and have a little fun with her friends, you know? Nothing serious, just a good time. What? You're jealous of the Churro Box? Uh, no.... no..... Churros mean nothing to me. Really. Nothing.

Okay, I can't hide it anymore. I love Churros. They're warm and sweet and comforting. No, I love you too. It's just.... different, you know?

Advice and confusion

Last night, at the end of another gluten free day, I physically felt great. But emotionally, I felt burdened. Lunch was agony. PB and I went to a deli, and I ate the two things from the menu that were gluten free. Unfortunately, one of them was not lactose free (Caprese salad), but I just popped a few lactase pills and enjoyed the bocconcini mozzarella like the good Italian I am. After a gut-wrenching sushi session this evening, (no tataki, no tempura, no eel sauce, B.Y.O.-Wheat free tamari) I got a message from my mom. My mother spoke to a good friend of ours whose daughters were both just recently diagnosed as Celiacs. She mentioned that I just had some tests done, was waiting for the results, and had began to cut out gluten in the mean time. Our friend said I should continue eating a normal diet until I get the tests back in case further testing needs to take place. If I cut out gluten, and I am suffering from Celiac disease, it could go undetected in further blood tests or biopsy. I don't necessarily agree with this rationale, since I've been ingesting gluten all my life. It's not just going to drop off the radar overnight. But, in the name of science, I suppose I'll continue eating normally until all of my tests are concluded.

I came home from work yesterday chanting. What was I chanting? "Full Primary." I was attempting to motivate myself. Afternoon and evening practices are always challenging for me. At 5 a.m., there aren't many distractions. There's nothing I'd rather be doing, besides sleeping. No friends asking if I want to meet them for drinks, no dinner to be made, no dog begging to be walked, no glass of wine calling my name. That's a lot to compete with. And my afternoon practices usually get cut short on account of all this. Last night, however, I was gung-ho. And practice was pretty good. My right knee just does NOT want to heal, so I'm still modifying, but my hips are opening up nicely so I'll have less chance of reinjury once I'm completely healed. Before I started, I had brought over two blocks to possibly play with in jumpbacks. But after one jumpback, I ditched them. Too bulky, too foreign, jumpbacks should not be my focus in this practice. It seems like we spend so much of our time and energy working towards that floaty straight-legged jump through or perfect "look-Ma-no-feet" jumpback, and this is just a smoother transition for vinyasa. These are just embellishments. And while the strength gained through jumpbacks and jumpthroughs could help the rest of our practice, shouldn't it happen the other way around? Shouldn't our practice help our jumpbacks and jumpthroughs? Or maybe all of these thoughts stem from my own inability to jump through with straight legs (I do have a floaty jump through, but I land cross-legged) and to lift off and float back (I lift off and cheat a little as my feet drag the ground to jump back). Hmmmm.... Oh, the vanities of Ashtanga.

Purvottanasana felt strange last night, til I realized why. My hands were too close to my hips when I pushed back. Well, I thought, this has not happened before. I came back down, corrected myself, inhaled back up, oh yes, much better. Navasanas were hard. I'm definitely noticing improvement, though. Kurmasana was great. My shoulders and collarbones were on the ground, my feet were off the ground, and I wasn't panicking. I don't always panic in this pose, just once in a while when I'm working my feet off the ground. Supta Kurmasana...... some of you may want to look away...... since this truly is my "help me, please somebody just pull my hands together" asana, I've enlisted some help. But since noone's around and my dog has no thumbs, and the neighbors already think I'm wierd and they haven't even seen my supta kurmasana, I used a strap yesterday. . It did help, and I was able to get a one finger bind without slipping. Note that it took me a good 15 breaths before I got this. By 5 I had my feet crossed. Then I was working with my breath, pushing my shoulders out from beneath my knees. By 10 my hands could feel eachother along the strap. Finally..... success with my index fingers. If I was in Guruji's led primary, I wouldn't even come close to approximating this pose. Thank goodness for home practice.

Last night at sushi, my friend The Bald One came with us. He's one of those guys who's gung ho on anything he gets into. He teaches spin class, he teaches 6 classes a week. He goes to yoga classes, he goes to 7 classes a week, often twice in one day. He gets a tattoo, suddenly he's got 6 tattoo's. Etc. He started coming to Sunday's led primary class about 6 months ago. And he's really improved in his asana. But I'm not sure if he's adopted, or even knows about, the other 7 limbs of Yoga. Last night he told me about his new business venture. Yogaslut.com.

WHAT????!!!!! Try as I might, I couldn't hide my complete disgust. YOGASLUT? It's basically a website which sells yoga clothes emblazoned with the word, mats, props, etc. But.... ..... yogaslut? This, to me, is evidence of what's wrong with the perception of Yoga in the west. It seems to me that this is the antithesis to yoga. So last night when I got home, I tried to work through where my offense stemmed from, since everyone else at the table seemed to think it hilarious. I find the word "slut" incredibly insulting and degrading. But why should I? Is it culture? Dictionary.com defines slut as a woman considered sexually promiscuous, or a female prostitute, or a dirty, untidy woman. Interesting how all of these definitions exclude men. What's a male slut called? He used to be called a stud, although I think that may be changing. Maybe these days, he'd be called emotionally unavailable. Of course, The Bald One is not using the word in relation to sex. He's using it as labeling someone who loves yoga. I think on occasion I've labeled myself as a "Sushi whore." But sushi is not the same as yoga to me. Sushi is a bit glutenous and rowdy (sometimes) and it's a treat. Sushi is something to take lightly. Yoga is what I strive to be every day. I'm positive "yogaslut" goes against at least one of the 8 limbs. Hmmm.... I think I'll ponder this further in the shower. Must start my day.

Gluten Free, DAY 2

Okay, first let me say NO SOY SAUCE???!!!! Oh good lord, who'd have thought soy sauce had wheat in it?! And no MISO??? This is really hard. Really, really hard. Good news: I can eat yam flour. Which means Sukiyaki is still a possibility, with gluten free soy sauce, of course. More Good news: There are more and more gluten-free products available every day as more and more americans are finding gluten intolerances in their own families and selves. Just type in "gluten free foods" on Google. And here's what you get: Lots of online resources.

I've also noticed a few inconsistincies. Some sites say quinoa is okay, some say it's not. So which is it, folks?

I'm still not feeling 100% back to my normal self (I hardly remember normal), but I woke up nausea free this morning. The one thing I noticed yesterday was that I felt pretty anemic, but that's probably because I had to stop taking my iron supplement for the hemoccult test. I was still dealing with a little bit of bloating, but that could be the dollop of sour cream I put on my taco salad last night.

I reached for the ketchup this morning at Bon Temps Creole Cafe, then remembered..... not gluten free. I'll have to bring a substitute in my purse. Same with soy sauce. Good thing I carry a duffel bag instead of a purse. I also was initially disappointed when I realized I probably couldn't eat the fried green tomatoes I usually ordered. But I asked for the ingredients anyways. Corn meal and masa flour! So that's why they taste vaguely like corn dogs minus the dogs. I was in like Flynn. Damn that place is good.

Tay left for two weeks today, very sad indeed. But simplifies my cooking, as I don't have to worry about satisfying his carnivorous needs. Time to break out the new vegetarian thai cookbook and invite over a few friends. WOOHOO! Also good that he's gone for the whole hemoccult process, as it is sure to be quite unromantic indeed. It's good to keep some mystery in a relationship, I think. Not much, but some.

A very thoughtful comment on

A very thoughtful comment on the great "Good Question" debacle:

I recall a line from the Tao Te Ching to the effect that when we oppose something, we strengthen it. I think of two applications of this at the moment.

1-- I suspect that it takes quite a bit of effort to shape oneself into a suicide bomber or a killer in the pursuit of one's goals, and I rather suspect that it most happens in places where people can't get jobs, support families, live a normal life. It was that environment that shaped bombers in Tsarist Russia. It was that environment of unemployment that sharpened conflict in Northern Ireland. In Saudi Arabia--despite its oil wealth--it's the same situation: lots of young men can't get work. That was the source of our 9/11 bombers. People who are working full time for a living, who have children and responsible sexual outlets, people who have the feeling that they can plan for a reasonable future, such people are much less likely to internalize extremist viewpoints. To my way of thinking, until we arrange our foreign policy in such a way that those people who feel themselves dispossessed can be part of a productive society with hopeful lives, the extremists will be successful in drawing new recruits. What we need to do is to act so that young Saudis (et al.) have the opportunity for employment, marriage, family life. In the end, that's what most people want for themselves, and it's what is most helpful for peaceful maturation. If we conduct a war on extremists without addressing why they are extreme, then we strengthen their extremism. If we help our unemployed brothers and sisters to find employment, then they will be so busy with work, pleasing their bosses, making homes and raising families that--I'm guessing--most of our brothers and sisters will not be tempted to internalize extremist viewpoints.

2-- When discussing political issues that we feel strongly about, we commonly revert to an "us versus them" mentality. It's awfully easy to do. Heck, it's the default mode of human socialization: we tend to group into self-similar sets by race, interest, religion, profession. As soon as we apply labels like "Republican, Democrat, simp, you people", we are probably operating internally in an us-versus-them mode. Perhaps it is best at those times to read what we are about to post, and then rephrase the dicey bits into "thought x isn't convincing to me because" or "fact y makes me think z". That way, instead of strengthening the us-versus-them in our readers, we might encourage thoughtfulness about things our readers have not yet considered, and they might do the same service to us.

Don, thank you for your wisdom. I am continuously humbled, inspired, and strengthened by the comments of my readers. (Who'd have thought I would have readers?)

I started my blog to document my journey with yoga. It's become a journal for me. An outlet in every sense of the word. I never imagined that anyone would want to READ it. However, I'm so thankful to my readers. When I need support the most, I find it here, whether it be beet-empathy, dietary questions, political support, or a good kick in the pants to get back on my mat and back to my breath.

On days when the last thing I want to do is step onto my mat, I read a few ashtangi blogs. The dedication of others, some living half way around the world, most I've never even met, motivates me as if they're right there asking me to practice. While I'm not proud to say I need this as my "crutch" some days, I know I can't do this on my own. (At least, not yet) And admitting this is, I think, surrendering and is something that is much more difficult and powerful to give in to than my pride and my independence.