Driste

pain pain pain

OMFG ouch ouch ouch.

Tonight I pan seared some salmon filets then out the pan under the broiler for about 10 minutes.

I pulled the pan out and set it on the stove top to cool while I prepped the plates. Less then two minutes later, I turned around, and grabbed the stainless steel handle of the pan with MY BARE HAND.

It didn't hurt so bad at first.....

I've been icing it for over two hours now. I took some tylenol, and I've smeared my hand with aloe repeatedly. And it's throbbing in pain.

No ashtanga for me for a while.

I'm supposed to meet a friend at their house tomorrow for a 6 a.m. practice. I've left her two messages explaining my probable impending absence..... but she's as bad as I am about answering her cell or checking her messages. Which means she'll probably think I stood her up if I don't go tomorrow.

And it's too late to go over to her house right now to tell her.

Strength and Grace

Yesterday at The Yoga Centre, I went to open studio. There were just three of us, all practicing primary series. I practiced next to a friend who has been a dancer for years. I've practiced with her a few times in the past, but never right next to her.

I couldn't help but notice the grace and lightness she brought to each pose. I was focused on my own practice and my own driste, but I could see her in my peripheral vision, softening into each asana.  After practice, I began to reflect on my own grace. Or lack thereof.

When I practice in a classroom setting or in a public setting, 9 times out of 10 someone will comment to me afterwards that I have a "strong" practice. But I rarely am complimented on the beauty of my practice. (Not that I look for these compliments or need the approval.... it's just something I've noticed.) I've always been a strong girl. I get comments from time to time on my biceps or my calves or my back. It's just the way I'm built. With this strenth, I muscle myself through vinyasas and into poses. And it's very seldom that I feel a lightness or a softening in any pose. I don't have the bendiest of bodies. I have tight hips and tight psoas muscles. But should I be using my strength to compensate for this lack of flexibility? And example would be Upavishta Konasana. While on the ground, I'm pulling my sternum towards the floor with my hands. I am very careful to keep my hips grounded, but there really isn't much surrender or softening in this pose.

Maybe the grace is something that comes naturally over time. Or maybe I'll always be the strong one.

NERVES

I'm pulling out my hair this morning, reciting sanskrit, reciting the opening prayer and the mangala mantra for closing, quizzing myself on series placement:

"UPAVISHTA KONASANA! After Baddha Konasana, before Supta Konasana!"

"SETU BANDHASANA! After Urdhvha Muka Paschimottanasana, before Urdva Dhanurasana!"

And so on. On my own, I know the series down pat. But in front of 15 people, leading the series, I'm scared I'll falter. Skip poses. Forget asana names. Get caught bumbling verbal cues.

Today's my first day.

In our previous studio, before it closed, the class basically consisted of the same group of people, week after week. New faces would come trickling in one by one, but for the most part, everyone was comfortable with the series and nothing was too new. Last week, our first week in the new location with rotating "instructors", there were 5 or 6 new faces who had never tried ashtanga. We hadn't even realized that the studio owner had listed the class on the schedule.

I hope there's no newbies today.

Yin

This a.m. was not an ashtanga a.m. Not one bit. I got through my sun salutations, then went into supta virasana for a good long meditative stretch. Then bound supta baddha konasana for another 5 minutes. Gentle paschimottanasana, sarvangasana, gentle matsyasana, sirsasana, and savasana.

I love my ashtanga practice. I love the strength of it, the vinyasa, the all encompassing breath, the bandhas, and every one of the poses (except parsvottanasana. I don't know why, but I just don't like that one). I consider myself an "ashtangini" more so than a "yogini". When I don't practice, I wish I had. But sometimes I feel it's too much fire for a pitta person. This morning I felt burnt out by all that fire. Yet I feel a twinge of rebellion followed by guilt when practicing anything else.....

I left the house this morning after my practice with this peace and tranquility radiating throughout. I had a small smile on my face and in my heart most of the morning. Very similar to all other mornings after practice, but didn't feel that weight in my shoulders or that nagging in my wrists or that opening in my hamstrings from a physically taxing practice. But now it's later in the afternoon, and I'm wishing I had my ashtanga practice as my foundation this morning. And why is that?

Is it because I've been binding fingers in Supta Kurmasana the past few mornings? And I wonder if this time I could have gotten my feet crossed over my head without pulling out all my hair? Is it because I've finally got perfectly straight legs in all navasanas and my torso is lifted and my boat isn't sinking? Is it because Dropbacks are such an adrenaline rush and now I'm ready for a nap with a capital N? Do I need that extra fire after all?  Is it Sunday's class that I'm scheduled to lead? Am I afraid I'll forget a pose or two or a sanskrit name or a verbal cue? Or is it just morning ritual and habit now?

spoke to soon

Regarding my thoughts on teaching ashtanga...... Strike that. Apparently I have been volunteered to be one of four rotating instructors taking over the Sunday a.m. led primary since Jen left. Our studio closed, so another studio has offered us a similar time slot as long as we can provide instructors. No one was willing to step up as a weekly instructor, since it's the only ashtanga class in San Luis Obispo and we all want to practice. So an agreement has been made. Oh. Okay. Beautiful. So I will be teaching Ashtanga after all. Or, at least, I'll be leading primary.

But I am thrilled to have a Sunday led class to return to.

L is for.....

LADIES' HOLIDAY!!!! Which is finally here!!! It's like that person who walks up behind you when you're gossipping about them. It just needed to be mentioned. It needed to make an entrance. So, I apologize for worrying anyone, and don't worry mom, I'm a-okay!

And I'm glad it's ladies' holiday today because since The Republican couched it with us last night, I would have had to go to the gym to practice. Also, we were out until almost midnight last night and I didn't eat dinner until 10 p.m. Neither of which are conducive to a 5 a.m. ashtanga practice.

So now I can relax and take a few mornings off to rest, rejuvenate, and SLEEP IN!

Thursday is the Gridlock Challenge with Kathy, and I need all the rest I can get so I can be at my best. And lay the Smack Down on her. However, I just tried to find the page, and it looks like it's not working. So maybe we'll have to arm wrestle and call it even or something.

SHOES

Okay, so here's the truth. The reason I decided to wear my wedding shoes in Yellow's wedding instead of buying gold strappy shoes is because I found THESE shoes. And I'm obsessed with them. And I'm wearing them right now.

My feet are in shock as they have not seen the inside of a shoe (besides hiking shoes and flip-flops) in I don't know how long and neither do they. But every so often, even the lowest maintenance non-shoe wearers such as myself have to splurge on a pair of show-stopping, outstanding heels.

When I woke up this morning, I had been dreaming that I was sick. I was lying on the couch, and my mom was bringing me chicken soup, Nana's soup, Jell-o, 7Up, and soda crackers: all the foods she would feed me when I was sick as a little girl. My alarm went off, and I felt sick. I made it to my mat (somehow), got through standing, then went right into Savasana where I promptly fell asleep. I felt a little guilty not pushing myself through primary, but I can't afford to get sick right now. Have to be at optimal health in order to help Yellow orchestrate this weekend's events. I O.D.'d on Vitamin C before I left, drank a litre of water, and now I'm feeling much better. Must remember to pick up Airborn on the way home this evening.

We have an event here at the winery after work: a mixer of sorts for all tasting room and industry staff in the area, and it should be great fun. All wineries are bringing wine from their cellars, and we're pouring our single vineyard Pinots, which will be released Sept 1st and which are FABULOUS. My only reservation for this evening is that Sara (our winery caterer) will be making her famous bacon-wrapped almond-stuffed dates. Those are going to be difficult to ignore, but I'll just think of little piggies and slaughterhouses and RESIST TEMPTATION! Ahimsa. The Republican is coming up from Santa Barbara to surprise everyone (he used to work here before moving down south), so we'll do dinner after.

In other work-related news, we're making a dry saignee rose' of Syrah! I'm so excited because I love dry rose's, and PINK WINE IS THE SH*T as long as it isn't white zinfandel. I'm heading up the label design, as our black Bishop's Peak label just won't cut it for lovely, playful, pink rose'.

bees' knees again.

I'm beginning to wonder if my knees will ever be the same. Will they ever heal? Will they continue to be a grievance and a nuisance and a hindrance throughout my lifetime of yoga practice? Will i ever sit in padmasana again without the fear and/or certainty of reinjury????

Patience, grasshopper.

But you have to admit.... it's been a while.

I'm confident that my left knee will get there soon. I feel no aches on that side throughout my practice or any time after. But I told myself in June that I would give both knees until at least December before I attempt padmasana or half padmasana for any pose. I've learned my lesson. Just when you think you've healed, that's when you reinjure. And that's the most frustrating feeling in the world.

That's life. We take a few steps to test the water, we gain confidence, we gain our footing, we skip joyously, we revel in our abilities, and then..... with a POP.... they're stripped from us. Just like that.

I opted for a change of scenery this morning and practiced at the gym instead of in my living room. Sometimes that's all I need to jumpstart my motivation. Looking back now, hours later, I realize I skipped Utkatasana. Oof. I built some nice heat this morning, had to roll out the mysore rug even before the Prasaritas. C was a bit painful, my shoulders protested and I could just barely touch the floor with my palms facing outward on the 5th breath. I'd been making contact on the 2nd or 3rd breath with palms facing eachoter before my vacations, so I can definitely feel the regression that week away brought to my practice. Also, my strength in vinyasas and arm balances faltered quite a bit this morning. The vinyasa out of Bhujapidasana was lack-luster, with a fairly strong tittibasana followed by a terrible attempt at Bakasana, and a step back to chaturanga instead of the usual jump/float. My legs weren't quite up on my shoulders in Kurmasana, but still managed to touch sternum to the floor and lift my feet off the ground for a few breaths. Supta Kurmasana did not feel very deep at all. I'm sure I looked more like a squashed turtle than a reclined turtle. Backbends were more of a chore than a release this morning, and dropbacks left me extremely winded.

None of this mattered to me. Starting a fresh week felt like returning home after a long journey away. Of course, now that I can devote myself to my daily practice, ladies' holiday is scheduled to start today or tomorrow. Maybe, just maybe, I'll skip it like I did last month.

While a small part of me is thrilled that I skipped last month's cycle and hopes this will be a regular occurence (regular irregularity?), a much larger part is alarmed, concerned, and unhappy. Bulimic and anorexic gymnasts have amenorrhea. Marathon runners and Triathletes who have 5% body fat have amenorrhea. I should not, since I eat plenty, take lots of supplements to make up for the meat I'm not eating, don't over-exercise, and do not have extremely low body fat. So, if I skip again this month, you can bet I'll be making yet another doctor's appointment. 

I've been an insurance company's worst nightmare these past few months. What would I do if I was like millions of other americans and was going through all of this without health insurance? American healthcare. Totally F-ed up. Even with insurance, I've met my co-payment deductible ($250) in just 2 short months, and have paid just over $300 in lab and diagnostic fees. And that's just the 20% I'm obligated to pay. My health insurance pays for the remaining 80%.

I've given up on gold shoes. I've decided to wear my wedding shoes, which are ivory like the other bridesmaids' shoes.

They are lovely shoes, just a tiny bit scuffed up from my big day. And this way I can save a few bucks and maybe buy a pair of jeans or a new outfit for the rehearsal dinner or something.

And I wish more than anything else in the world that I could hop on a plane and fly to Portland to give Yellow a big big hug and help her destress and help her get ready for her drive down to California to get MARRIED!

Here are Yellow and her sweetie right after he proposed at the Grand Canyon.

Hilarious side-story here. Yellow's sweetie was down on one knee proposing, Yellow said yes, kiss kiss, so excited..... then a man popped out of the bushes with a camera, said he'd been taking pictures of the views, and upon realizing what her sweetie was up to, he took some shots of them but didn't want to disturb them. Took down their address, sent them copies of the photos he took!

Bejeweled

I am pierced! I love my little stud (and I'm not talking about my husband, here). It's not as tiny as I would like to eventually have, but the piercer said they've had troubles with the tiny ones falling through the hole in the first few weeks. Not good. But it's still tiny enough that not many people at work have noticed it yet. I like to think that means it just looks natural, like it should be there or has been there already.

I was telling REW in an email that I'm a bit of a nose-smasher. When I have an itch, I smack the palm of my hand against my nose and smush it about. I have a small, squishy nose so a simple little scratch just doesn't suffice. So I'll have to stop the nose smashing for a bit and give the thing a chance to heal.

I DID wake up this morning on time, hopped out of bed, struggled to find undies, yoga pants and yoga top in the dark, and stood on my mat in Tadasana, toes wiggling in excitement. I'm back, baby! However, my practice is not. My knees are still bothering me, I felt a slight strain even in Janu Sirsasana A. I skipped B, C was okay, but not comfortable by any means. My hips have tightened up a bit. My wrists hurt through vinyasas and in Bhujapidasana. Stand ups were a joke. I dropped like a ton of bricks in dropbacks, not light or controlled. Need more Pilates.

Despite all of my body's complaints, I was happy as a clam, knowing better days are ahead. I spent a long time in Padmasana (modified for knee injuries), just soaking it in and breathing.

And I love looking down my nose and seeing a little sparkle.

a.m. or p.m.

Can't seem to get those two straight. Set my alarm for 5 last night, turns out I set it for 5 P.M.. So I woke up at 7 A.M., not even time for a sun salutation. First word out of the mouth was an expletive, which Tay says is not a good way to start the day. So maybe I can get in a practice this evening, but I doubt it. I just feel so wound up and frustrated that my routine has been completely annihilated. And I'm really not one of those routine freaks, really I'm not. Not like, "Thursdays I have a breakfast burrito at Buzz Cafe and thanks for asking, but I don't hike on Tuesdays...." Although I do know a few people like that. I think my practice is the only routine I have in my day. It's my anchor. It grounds me. The rest of my life just flies around me like a hurricane, papers everywhere, clothes everywhere, and a clock or two just ticking away the hours much too quickly. I really need a 26 hour day.

In other news, REW pierced her nose. And I have wanted to pierce mine for years. And so, today, I'm gonna do it. And when my mom gets mad and asked me why I did it, I'm simply going to say "Because REW did it, and she's so cool." So there.

And I downloaded my Idaho pics on to my computer, and I was going to post them this morning. And then I took a closer look. I had some bloating going on. Y'all know I've been having stomach issues, well apparently I don't travel well. I look like a malnourished person with the distended stomach. Only well nourished, because I've never looked frail or anorexic a day in my life. So maybe I'll have to do some cropping in iPhoto and post pics from the chest up only. Or maybe I'll just say screw it and bare my belly with pride now that I've typed in this disclaimer.